Set high minimum standards

"Life gives you the minimum you are prepared to accept... so set high minimum standards!"

Grant Soosalu

Here's something I'd like to share with you. It's an insight that has made an enormous difference to my life over the years. And whilst it may appear to be a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious) I do think it's worth bringing to conscious awareness and using as a life enhancing thinking tool.

Dreams vs Minimum Standards

You know, it's vital for success to have dreams, goals and outcomes. I've blogged before on the power of dreams and outcomes here. If you want a great life, you absolutely have to aim for the stars and dream BIG dreams. These things are important!

And... there's something that I've discovered in life, and it's encapsulated in the aphorism I coined and shared above. In the everyday cut and thrust of our busy lives, in the paying of the bills, working full time jobs, running a house and family, getting the car, the dog and the mortgage serviced... life tends to give you the minimum you are prepared to accept. If you are willing to work for $10 per hour, guess what... you'll end up earning around $10 per hour. If you are prepared to let people push you around, guess what... you'll end up being stood over and pushed around. It's inevitable.

On the other hand, if you are truly prepared to only accept $200 per hour, to never be pushed around, to really set high minimum standards, then life falls into line and delivers on that. At least, that is my experience and it's backed up by the experience of those I've shared this rule and philosophy with. Every time I've decided that regardless of the outcome, I'm only prepared to accept a certain specific level of income, or particular behaviour or results, then I've amazingly gotten what I've expected and demanded. It almost seems like magic. It isn't of course, there is science and logic to why this works.

Most importantly, the take home message is...

Set high minimum standards in every area of your life!

Why does this work?

I think the reason that this insight is true is due to a number of factors. A key one is the self-fulfilling prophecy effect. Your beliefs and attitudes are expressed non-verbally in your behaviours and communications and picked up by other people who then act in ways that fulfill your unconscious expectations. There is a ton of research from the fields of cognitive and social psychology to back this up.

In one classic experiment, known as 'the late bloomers study', researchers Dr. Robert Rosenthal and Dr. Lenore Jacobson, gave children in an elementary class an intelligence test and told teachers that a small group of these children were unusually clever 'late bloomers', though in reality they were average. The researchers then returned at the end of the school year and tested the same class again, and not surprisingly, the children singled out as intelligent 'late bloomers' had improved their intelligence scores far more than the other children, showing that they had responded positively to the teachers unconscious beliefs and expectations.

"Psychological research shows that beliefs and expectations

are the strongest predictor of the future"

In a more recent example, a group of researchers from Iowa State University examined whether mothers’ and fathers’ beliefs about their children’s alcohol use had cumulative self-fulfilling effects on their children’s future drinking behavior. Analyses of longitudinal data showed consistent synergistic cumulative effects of parent's negative beliefs and these beliefs predicted the greatest degree of confirmatory behavior from children when both mothers and fathers overestimated their children’s alcohol use. The results show that beliefs and expectations really are powerful and send out unconscious messages that have real effects on peoples behaviours over time.

Another factor for why the rule works is that much of life involves negotiation, and people and society tend to be good at working out your bottom line and offering that to you. If you are time pressured or feeling a bit insecure or distracted by all the other things going on in your busy life, then you'll tend to accept the initial offer, or at least, not hold out to get your ideal result. Thus over time you tend to end up accepting and receiving the minimum you are prepared to accept, rather than your ideal outcomes and dreams.

Living an enhanced life

The way I see it, to live an enhanced life, you need to design your life by creating clear and well-formed outcomes, that link to big dreams and inspiring purposes. You motivate yourself by having meaningful outcomes and goals and filling your life with intentions and behaviours that link to your highest values. You also absolutely need to work out what your minimum standards are in every key area of life and hold firm to those. Set in concrete, in your mind, what the minimum standards are that you are prepared to accept in yourself and others. Then stick to them.

Your goals, dreams and outcomes will set the direction for your life. They'll inspire you. Your minimum standards act like a platform and springboard. They'll be the base from which you support yourself to live a wonderful life and achieve your dreams and outcomes.

Your turn

Get specifically clear about what your minimum standards are for:

• how much money you will work for
• what sort of loving behaviour you want from yourself and your beloved
• how fit you'll be, how much exercise you'll do
• what sort of language you'll use both externally and in your internal dialogue
• how you'll spend/invest your time
• how much stress you'll put up with
• how much pampering you want in your life
• how much learning you'll do
• what you'll eat and what body mass index you are happy with
• how healthy you are
• how successful you'll be, by your own definition of success
• how you'll treat your friends and how they'll treat you

The more specifcally you can define what you'll accept and what you definitely won't accept, the more you'll find your life magically improving. You won't even have to negotiate about these things. People will read the messages in your life language and your unconscious responses. Life starts to get better and better as it delivers to your expectations and high minimum standards. And stick to those standards. Don't accept anything less!

"Life gives you the minimum you are prepared to accept... so set high minimum standards!"

Grant Soosalu

Yes, definitely dream BIG dreams and set lofty goals and outcomes; but truly, take the time to clearly and firmly set high minimum standards in your life, you'll find that they are incredibly life enhancing and will support your ongoing happiness and success.

Want to learn more, get a copy of my book: Avoiding the Enemies to HAPPINESS!

life enhancing wishes
Grant


PS Please note that setting high minimum standards is not a recommendation to indulge in perfectionism or to focus on unreasonable expectations and unobtainable standards. Research in Cognitive Psychology has shown that setting unrealistic goals can contribute to depression. So set achievable and obtainable outcomes and high realistic standards.


And here's the inspiring story of Sabriye Tenberken and how she set high minimum standards and goals to achieve her dreams:

My Path Leads to Tibet

The true and very inspiring story of how one young blind woman bought hope to the blind children of Tibet. As Sabriye says in the book "That day was the first of many where I simply refused to take no for an answer. I decided to find some way - there had to be one., I was sure - to help the blind in Tibet. On my own. And today, several years later, thanks to my persistence - or my obsession, you might say - i have developed techniques and methods that facilitate those very studies in Tibetan." Sabriye is a glowing example of someone who refuses to give in and who sets high minimum standards and then sticks to them.

Heaven'ing

Heavening \Heav'en'ing\, v.

To place in happiness or bliss, as if in heaven; to beatify.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary

A good friend, who is both a psychotherapist and life counselor, recently sent me an email that prompted this current blog entry. In it, he said:

"I trust you did not place a patent on your 'Heavening and Helling' concept as I have used this as a tool with a couple of clients with good effect."

And of course... no, I don't have a patent on the concept of heavening :-) It's freely available for anyone and everyone to share and use, and yes it really does work to enhance life, so I thought I'd share it in some detail in today's blog entry.

So what is heavening?

I originally came up with the concept of 'heaven-ing' one night a few years ago, when I was laying in bed attempting to sleep through the loud noise of a raucous party the neighbors across the road were throwing. Rather than lay there, tossing and turning and focusing on the noise, getting myself more and more angry with fantasies of going across the road and shutting them up with a baseball bat, I decided instead to focus on something more positive in order to distract myself. I thought it would be fun to explore the idea of heaven and to design what heaven would be like if I were its creator. So rather than 'hell-ing' - creating hell in my own life, by focusing on the negativity of the noise and lack of sleep, I decided to do 'heaven-ing' - enjoying the creative fun of playing with the details and fantasy of heaven.

As I lay there, exploring heaven, thinking through how it would work, what it would contain, who would populate it, what rules it would run by, what magic it might provide... I found myself drifting off in a very pleasant state of happiness and joy. Heavening was fun and it worked it's positive magic in my body and mind. I gently drifted off to a very peaceful sleep and awoke refreshed next day, with the noisy party a distant and trivial memory.

The experience of heavening was so enjoyable and delightful that I decided to continue playing with it each night before sleep and at other times when I had some spare moments to fill. I did heavening when standing in lines and queues. I did heavening when sitting in traffic or waiting for the traffic lights to change. I did heavening in the shower and while doing the dishes and chores. Heavening became an integral, ongoing and life enhancing part of my life.

Heavening as a skill and resource

I also realised that by doing heavening, by creating a place in my mind that was a wonder-filled and beautiful space, I was creating a skill and a resource that would stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. You see, no matter what happens to my life, no matter what happens to my body, as long as I am conscious and can think, I will always be able to go to the heaven I have created in my imagination. Even if I'm unwell, or locked away or end up paralysed and unable to communicate, no matter what happens, the more I develop, populate and envision my version of heaven in my mind, the greater the resource and skill I have for taking myself to a wonderful place. I am literally heavening my life. To me, that seems very very life enhancing.

The positive effects

I also noticed another interesting and positive effect from the process of heavening. The more I designed and detailed the concept of heaven in my mind, the more I started to notice and see the parts of the world that matched or echoed my heaven.

I remember the first time I noticed this effect, a week or two after I'd started doing heavening. My beloved and I were out kayaking on the lake that we live beside. It was a perfect blue-sky sunny day. Not a breeze in the air. Not a cloud in the sky. Just azure blue stretching across the horizon. The lake was a mirror. We were the only people there. Drifting across the lake in our kayaks, a pelican gliding past, barely skimming the water, floating on a cushion of air. Absolutely magical!

And I realised that this was just like heaven. Literally. This was something out of my dreams of what heaven would be like. The sun, the sky, the warmth of the air, the peace and tranquility, the freedom. This was heavening on earth. I shared my insight with my darling and we both celebrated and savoured just how heavenly our experience was right then. My process of heavening inside my mind overflowed out into my world. My Reticular Activating System - the central core of our nervous system that is responsible for filtering and directing our attention - became attuned to all that was heavenly in life, and now continues to mark out and highlight the positive and heavenly aspects of my day to day life. Heavening inside my head now spreads to amplifying heavening in my everyday life. It's wonderful and truly life enhancing.

Moving away from helling

From the process of heavening and it's effects in my mind and life, I also began to notice and see when other people are doing the converse. I've noticed how often people do helling in their lives - how they literally generate ongoing hell in their daily lives through self-fulfilling prophecies and negative beliefs and behaviours.

This has lead me to notice the seeds of helling in my own behaviours or thoughts, and to move away from those and replace them with their opposites. I can now avoid the enemies to happiness and enemies to heavening in my life and instead choose to amplify the processes of life enhancing and happinessing.

Choosing happiness

You see, heavening and helling are skills. You get to choose which skillset you want to practice and put into action in your life. And you cannot not choose - not choosing is a choice! - you are condemned to the freedom of choice, and I suggest you choose powerfully.

Choose to practice and do heavening in your own life. Doing it now will mean that you will have enhanced both your inner and outer worlds and produced ripples and echoes throughout your relationships and life. It's easy. It's fun. And it brings heaven onto earth. Right now, right here.

Fascinatingly, the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, writes in his book 'A New Earth' that:

"It is interesting to note that many biblical scholars suggest that the esoteric meaning of prophecies in both the Old and the New Testament that speak of the collapse of the existing world order and the arising of 'a new heaven and a new earth' are talking not about heaven as a physical location but instead as an inner realm of consciousness. Literally they are suggesting that 'A New Heaven' will arise on Earth as an emergence of heavening in human consciousness."

You know, you really do have a choice. In any situation in your life, you can choose to focus on the positive or the negative. You can choose to celebrate joy or failure, positivity or negativity. By doing heavening you direct your mind and consciousness towards joy and positivity and out of that emerges a new way of being that is truly life enhancing.

As my friend said in his email, heavening really can be used to good effect. It works and it helps. I've shared it with you, and I own no patent on the concept. So feel free to use it to enhance your life and the lives of those you care about.

Heavening \Heav'en'ing\, v.

To place in happiness or bliss, as if in heaven

Want to learn more, get a copy of my book: Avoiding the Enemies to HAPPINESS!

life enhancing wishes
Grant



Some highly recommended heavenly reading:

How to Achieve a Heaven on Earth

What would it take to make this world a paradise? Tackling the momentous question of how individuals can envision and enact positive change, this collection of 101 essays from some of today's most notable thinkers, leaders, artists, and writers focuses on how to achieve a Heaven on Earth.

Life: Heaven on Earth: 100 Places to See in Your Lifetime

From the Great Pyramid and the Sphinx to the mysteries of Easter Island and Stonehenge, the editors of Life draw on the world's finest photography to reveal why you must include these truly special 100 places in your life's itinerary.

Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives

A clever little book by a neuroscientist translates lofty concepts of heaven, infinity and death into accessible human terms. What happens after we die? Eagleman wonders in each of these brief, evocative segments. Are we consigned to replay a lifetime's worth of accumulated acts? Is heaven a bureaucracy, where God has lost control of the workload? Will we download our consciousnesses into a computer to live in a virtual world, where God exists after all and has gone through great trouble and expense to construct an afterlife for us? In bite-size vignettes, Sum explores deep human notions of heaven and provides engaging explorations into the human psyche. It is a well-executed and thought-provoking book.

Remember this!

I'm sure I don't have to convince anyone that memory and intelligence are life enhancing. It's obvious that the better your working memory and the greater your intelligence, the more you'll get out of life. By becoming smarter, you'll solve problems better, increase your chance of success and ultimately remember more of the wonderful experiences you have in life. Yes memory and intelligence are definitely life enhancing, and it's easy to see why.

Improving memory and intelligence

So I figure that if I could show you a scientifically proven method that is fun and freely available online to help increase both working memory and intelligence, you'd be interested? If so, read on...

Software that makes you smarter

Back in 2008, a group of Brain Researchers headed by Dr Susanne Jaeggi from the University of Michigan, found that both working memory and fluid intelligence - a measure of how people adapt to new situations and solve problems they've never seen before - could be markedly improved through regular training in a task called 'the Dual N-Back memory task'.

The Dual N-Back memory task involves two independent sequences that are presented simultaneously, typically using different sensory modalities, such as one auditory and one visual. Blocks are flashed on a grid, and letters are read out in sequence and you have to remember and indicate when a block location or letter is repeated. The N in 'N-Back' describes how many letters back in the sequence you need to remember. For 2-Back you need to remember two items back in the sequence. The higher the N-number the more challenging the game level.

Research results

The results from the various studies of the Dual N-Back task show a linear correlation between gain in measured fluid intelligence and the time spent practicing the task. In other words, the more you practice, the more your memory and intelligence will improve. The results suggest that approximately 20 - 25 minutes a day can lead to over 40% gain in measured fluid intelligence scores after only 19 days of daily practice. That's a huge intelligence and memory improvement in a short time.

Training intensively beyond the suggested daily 20 - 25 minutes is not recommended as the brain needs time to learn, adapt and reconfigure itself. It's also suggested that a training schedule of 4 - 5 days a week is optimal.

The idea is to keep pushing your limits by practicing the Dual N-Back task at the limit of your current ability. This is what increases fluid intelligence. The higher the N number, the more difficult and challenging the task.

Additional research

More recently, in an article published in 2009 in the prestigious journal Science, it was reported that 14 hours of training over a 5 week period led to measurable density changes for cortical dopamine neuroreceptors in the brain. So brain training really does modify the brain and increase your capacity for thinking and memory. The brain is like a muscle, if you want to strengthen it, you have to exercise it. And the more specifically you exercise it, the better it gets.

Enhancing your life

It's obvious, if you want to live an enhanced life, if you want to get and create more out of life, you need to take action and use every tool at your disposal to increase your skills and capacity for living. Brain training software, freely available online, will help increase your fluid intelligence and working memory. I really do think that is life enhancing!

Free brain training tools

Here's a free online version of the N-back game:

>> http://www.soakyourhead.com/dual-n-back.aspx

And here's a free downloadable software game and tutorial:

>> http://brainworkshop.sourceforge.net/

To read more: http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2008/04/smart_software

best wishes,
Grant


Some worthwhile books on brain training:

Brain Training: Boost memory, maximize mental agility, & awaken your inner genius by Tony Buzan

For people of all ages who want to improve their memory, hone learning skills, and boost mental performance in their daily lives, Brain Training is a vibrant collection of visual puzzles and tips to help exercise the brain and keep the cognitive faculties razor-sharp. Covering the key areas of brain function, including memory, perception, problem-solving, verbal reasoning, and the body (such as diet, exercise, and meditation), Brain Training is a dynamic resource that will boost everyone's brain power.

The Brain Training Revolution: A Proven Workout for Healthy Brain Aging

Repair, Retrain, and Maintain Your Brain - The Brain Training Revolution offers readers a unique three-part prescription for brain and memory health based on the latest scientific research. By focusing on certain aspects of nutrition, physical fitness, and mental exercise, The Brain Training Revolution outlines a plan to maintain brain health.

And the word is...

Just a short, sweet blog entry today :-)

The Positive Word Dictionary

I recently received 'The Positive Word Dictionary' in the mail and wanted to let you know that I think it's a life enhancing addition to any bookshelf.  It has over one thousand eight hundred positive keywords and is a great resource for expanding your range of positive words. The author is Michael Fisher and you can get a copy from his website:

>> The Positive Word Dictionary

As you know from previous blog entries (Positive Emotion Words and Positive Words are life enhancing) research shows that the English language has approximately 50% more negative words than positive words.

So it's vitally important to counter this tendency towards negativity by expanding your positive vocabulary.

I've made good use of the Positive Word Dictionary to enhance the list of positive words in the Positive Word Tool, so please feel free to download a copy here and use it to play the 'Positive Word Game' - randomly select a positive emotion word and then live out and explore that emotion during your day.

>> Download the Positive Word Tool

Enhancing your life with words

You might also remember in my blog entry 'Words are Life Enhancing' that I discussed how words are the tools you use to understand, filter and construct meaning and reality. They're also the tools you use to communicate, negotiate, influence and inspire others. The larger your vocabulary and the greater the number of distinctions you have for describing and articulating your world, the more refined you'll be in the outcomes you create.

And linking this notion, with the concepts from my last blog entry on the positive psychology of Generosity  - Generosity makes a life enhancing difference,  I'd like to introduce you to a website that combines learning new words in a fun way while helping to feed starving people. Sound good? It's a life enhancing way to do generosity while expanding your vocab.

Free Rice

FreeRice.com is a non-profit website run by the United Nations World Food Program.

According to their website FreeRice has two goals:

   1. Provide education to everyone for free.
   2. Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

So how does it work?

Free Rice provides a vocabulary game, that teaches you new words in a fun way. It really is a great way to enhance your vocabulary. And the best bit is that for each answer you get right, the sponsors and advertisers donate 10 grains of rice through the World Food Programme.

Even though 10 grains of rice may seem like a small amount, it's important to remember that while you are playing, so are thousands of other people at the same time -- and it's everyone together that makes the difference.

The benefits to you

Learning new vocabulary has tremendous benefits. It can help you:

• Formulate your ideas better
• Write better emails, letters and reports
• Speak more precisely and persuasively
• Comprehend more of what you read
• Read faster because you comprehend better
• Be more effective and successful at your job
• Think more clearly and make more distinctions and meaning in your life

And linking to the research on Generosity and Altruism, you will also benefit from knowing you are doing something to help those less fortunate than yourself.

>> Play FreeRice.com

Words can make a difference

Yes, in more ways than one, words truly can make a life enhancing difference to the world... so remember:

"Words can either Build Up or Tear Down, Strengthen or Weaken, Emancipate or Enslave…THE CHOICE IS OURS!"

Roger Anthony

positive best wishes,
Grant

Generosity makes a life enhancing difference

"You make a living by what you get. You make a life
by what you give."

 ~ Winston Churchill

I found an interesting online article that read:

"It played like a scene from a holiday movie -- a mystery couple, who didn’t leave their names or numbers, walked into a restaurant, finished their meal and then set off a chain reaction of generosity that lasted for hours."

and it got me thinking about ‘Generosity’ and how it’s such a positive and generative behaviour. So I decided to do some research and share it with you here, because as it turns out, and not surprising really… generosity really is life enhancing.

Positive Psychology Research

There is a growing body of research on the benefits of cultivating kindness and generosity. A focus on generosity has been shown to increase levels of happiness and well-being. In one study by Stanford University psychologist Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, subjects were asked to carry out 5 intentional acts of kindness per week over a 6 week period. The results showed that compared to a control group, performing acts of kindness and generosity significantly increased reported levels of happiness and positive mood. With those who performed all the weekly acts in one day reaping the biggest gains over the course of the study.

This backs up numerous studies that show that people who do volunteering and altruistic behaviour are generally happier that the norm. Doing good deeds and helping others doesn’t just benefit the recipient, it pays back in kind.

One thing to note from the research however… varying the acts of generosity and kindness lead to bigger increases in mood than repeating the same altruistic act over and over -- Creativity counts when it comes to kindness.

Generosity Feels Good

And Generosity feels good. In one study, researchers at the National Institutes of Health scanned the brains of volunteers as they were asked to think about  scenarios involving either donating a sum of money to charity or keeping it for themselves.

The results showed clearly that when volunteers placed the interests of others before their own, the generosity activated a primitive part of the brain that usually lights up in response to food or sex. What this indicates is that the effects of Generosity are basic to the brain, hard-wired and pleasurable.

As an aside and linking to my last blog entry, there is also a fascinating connection between Generosity and Oxytocin – the trust and bonding hormone. In one study of 100 men, it was found that Oxytocin increased generosity 80% compared to those given a placebo. It would also not surprise me to find a reciprocal relationship. That when we do acts of kindness, our Oxytocin levels increase.

Generosity is Healthy

There is a huge body of scientific evidence that benevolent emotions, actions and attitudes such as kindness and generosity contribute to the giver’s health and longevity.

For example, Dr Stephen Post at Case Western Reserve University has conducted over 500 scientific studies that demonstrate the power of kindness and generosity to enhance physical and psychological health.

The studies show that:

• Altruism is associated with increased lifespan and a substantial reduction in mortality rates, even after differences in socioeconomic status, prior health status, smoking, social support, and physical activity are accounted for
• Giving and generosity is associated with increased survival rates in breast cancer patients
• People who do volunteer work have lower rates of mortality and decreased incidence of heart disease
• Generosity is linked to increased immune function
• Altruism is positively associated with lowered anxiety and depression
• Helping others is associated with higher levels of mental health

As Dr. Post puts it “It’s good to be good, and science says it’s so”.

"The three things we crave most in life -- happiness, freedom, and peace of mind -- are always attained by giving them to someone else."

Peyton C March

Gifts to Others vs Gifts to Self

Here’s an interesting finding: “Pro-social spending (spending on others) resulted in more happiness than personal spending”.

Can money buy happiness? That’s a question that researchers at the University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School attempted to find out…

Via a number of studies, they found that the ways in which people spend their money makes a significant difference to their happiness and that yes, money can buy happiness, especially when it’s spent on someone else.

In one of their studies of 632 Americans, they showed that prosocial spending was associated with significantly higher levels of happiness, whereas surprisingly personal spending was unrelated to happiness.

Isn’t that interesting! It’s somewhat counter-intuitive, since in our materialistic society we tend to think that buying stuff makes us happier. But numerous studies have shown that the positive affect from material purchases is very short-lived and has no real impact on our ongoing levels of happiness, meaning and life satisfaction. A month after buying that new car, your mood typically reverts to the norm.

However, as all the research described above shows, generosity and kindness, doing good things for others, and buying things or donating to other people makes a positive difference. Not just to the recipient but also in your own life.

Now to my mind, that really is life enhancing.

An incredible example

While researching on generosity and kindness, by sheer happenstance, I received a DVD in the mail of a film called ‘Blindsight’.

This is the story of Sabriye Tenberken, an amazing and inspiring woman, who along with 6 of her students attempted to climb Lhakpa Ri, a 23.000 feet high peak next to Mount Everest. What makes this story so gripping and incredible is that both Sabriye and the students are all blind.

Sabriye’s life is a compelling tribute to kindness, bravery and generosity. If you like you can check out her story and her ‘Braille Without Borders’ project at her website:  Braille Without Borders

Sabriye is a 2006 Mother Theresa Award Winner and 2005 Nobel Peace Prize nominee who became fascinated with the study of Tibetan culture as a young blind German woman and created the first Braille text for the Tibetan language.

Amazingly, she travelled alone to Tibet and into the frozen Himalayas to find blind children, considered demonic by their culture, to attend a school she established specially for them.

I was so inspired by the movie that I immediately googled on Sabriye and ordered a copy of her book ‘My Path Leads to Tibet’ from Amazon, which I have now read. It’s an incredible story, I highly recommend it.

I also jumped onto paypal and sent them a donation to do my little bit to support the wonderful work they are doing. And I have to be honest, it did feel good to help them.

Be Generous, Give Freely, Be Happy

And in case, after reading about how life enhancingly positive and beneficial generosity and kindness is to everyone involved, you’d also like to donate to Braille without Borders right now, here’s the link to Sabriye’s donations page: >> Support Braille Without Borders

Just click on the PayPal button on her page to pay in the currency of your preference. Every dollar you send them will make a positive contribution to changing someone’s life for the better.

Practice Random Acts of Kindness

And what about the story that got me started thinking deeply about generosity?

Well, it turns out, the mystery couple who visited the Aramingo Diner in Philadelphia, decided to anonymously practice a random act of kindness by paying double: for their own meal and for the tab of whoever came next to pay. As one of the diner employees reported “They asked us not to say anything until they left, say, ‘Merry Christmas, that person picked up your check.’”. And for the next 5 hours, patrons got into the same spirit and paid the favor forward. As Lynn Willard, one of the waitresses, declared, “It was magical. I had tears in my eyes because it never happened before. I’ve been here for 10 years, and I’ve never seen anything like that”.

Yes, a true story that proves how a small gesture of kindness can create ongoing magic.

Make a difference

So now you know, generosity is life enhancing in many, many ways. Generosity really can make a difference. It’s healthy, it fires off the pleasure centers in your brain and it increases happiness. Do it creatively and intentionally. The more you do for others the more both the world and your own life will be enhanced.


Generously wishing you much wellness and happiness
Grant


Some interesting books on the science and art of generosity:

Why Good Things Happen to Good People: How to Live a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life by the Simple Act of Giving

The Giving Heart: Unlocking the Transformative Power of Generosity in Your Life

The Generosity Factor

Life Enhancing Oxytocin - the trust and bonding hormone

"Experiments have shown that a nasal squirt of oxytocin enhances trust and tunes people into others’ emotions..."

Dr. Larry Young

Hey, here's some info on a life enhancing substance that you may not have heard about...

Oxytocin

What is Oxytocin?

It's been labeled the 'love hormone', the 'bonding hormone' and 'trust in a bottle'.

According to a recent article in Nature, Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that plays a key role in social attachment and affiliation in both humans and non-human mammals. Oxytocin has both peripheral hormonal effects and actions in the brain. It has been shown to mediate trust, love and bonding.

Interestingly, it is used in childbirth to initiate and control uterine contractions, triggers the lactation 'let down' reflex for breastfeeding and is released by nipple sucking, stroking and cuddling. It also appears to be involved in sexual arousal.

According to wikipedia, Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around a mate. It increases feelings of generosity, reduces fear and increases levels of trust. Oxytocin has also been used in experiments on negotation where it was found that the experimental subjects given nasally administered oxytocin displayed 'the highest level of trust' twice as often as the control group.

I find it fascinating that the hormone that is used to naturally trigger birth contractions, is also responsible for bonding of mother and baby, is stimulated by nipple sucking and breast play and at the same time is also connected with increasing sexual arousal and empathy, rapport and bonding. The whole reproductive life cycle -- from partner bonding, to sexual arousal, through birth and on to breast feeding -- all controlled and stimulated by one amazing neuropeptide. Incredible.

You can now buy it in a bottle

Life enhancingly, you can now buy Oxytocin as a spray and use it to increase feelings of rapport, trust, bonding, sexual attraction and love. Sounds promising, doesn't it? In the interests of life enhancing science :-) I decided to put it to the test...

Liquid Trust

I bought some 'Liquid Trust' and along with a bunch of friends, gave it a try. Not counting for the obvious and possible placebo effect (and really who cares, as long as you experience the desired results), the verdict was that it works! It delivers a positive buzzy feeling of closeness and heightened connection. We all agreed to varying degrees that we liked it. Well worth the spend. Some of my friends also used it in negotiations at work and reported positive and successful effects.

Now isn't that life enhancing! Imagine the uses for some liquid trust in a bottle. Wouldn't you like to use it with someone you love to enhance your loving and bonding? Or use it to recapture some of that early infatuation that comes at the beginning of a relationship, when Oxytocin is flowing at its strongest as you form the initial bond and do so much cuddling, kissing and stroking. I definitely think it's worth a try!

And for those who are interested, here's some more info on research on the life enhancing effects of Oxytocin:

Oxytocin helps couples communicate

A new study, recently published in the journal Biological Psychiatry, suggests that Oxytocin may help make it easier for couples to overcome conflict and discuss difficult issues. The couples who took part in the double-blind placebo-controlled study were given oxytocin nasal spray or a placebo spray before having a ‘conflict discussion’ in the laboratory. Those couples that received Oxytocin were found to communicate significantly more positively and had lower stress levels.

Oxytocin increases sexual attractiveness

Another new Oxytocin study highlighted the effects of the ‘Love Hormone’ on human behaviour.  A team of British researchers found that a person who has inhaled a whiff of Oxytocin will find people more sexually attractive. According to Dr. Angeliki Theodoridou, a psychologist at the University of Bristol, after inhaling oxytocin:

“we are more likely to see people we don’t know in a more positive light”.

Theodoridou’s team tested 96 men and women in a double-blind placebo-controlled trial. After participants got either a spritz of Oxytocin or a placebo, they were asked to rate pictures of 48 men and women for attractiveness and 30 for trustworthiness. No matter their gender or mood, volunteers who received Oxytocin rated male and female strangers as both more attractive and trusting.

Oxytocin helps social interpretation

A very recent study has found that participants with Asperger’s Syndrome (high functioning autism) who had inhaled Oxytocin showed more attentiveness to visual cues when viewing human faces and were more likely to process social cues. In another similar study, participants given Oxytocin were better able to interpret facial expressions and had more memories of people’s emotional states than those taking a placebo.

Oxytocin and heart health

According to researchers, spending just 20 seconds a day hugging your partner will be enough to increase the level of Oxytocin in your body and help improve the health of your heart!  The psychologist Dr. Karen Grewen claims that... “greater partner support is linked to higher Oxytocin levels for both men and women. However, the importance of oxytocin and its potentially cardio- protective effects may be greater for women”.

Liquid Trust

Each 1oz bottle of Liquid Trust contains Purified water, SD Alcohol and Oxytocin. According to the manufacturer 'Liquid Trust' lasts approximately 2-4 hours after spraying and everyone you encounter will unconsciously detect the pure human Oxytocin that you are wearing and without realizing why, will have increased feelings of trust.

Why not buy Liquid Trust and try it here:

Finally, let me point out that life enhancing substances like Oxytocin and Liquid Trust, are no substitute for high quality relating. I believe that for them to be truly life enhancing, they should be used as an adjunct to great relating to take it to an even deeper level of rapport and trust, rather than as a quick fix or a replacement for great loving and friending.


So, whether you use some bonding in a bottle, or whether you just do more touching and cuddling with those you love, you now know more about the hormone of trust and love and can make it work for you.


wishing you life enhancing trust and loving
Grant

Books on Oxytocin you may find fascinating:

The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love

The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing

Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin

Being vs Doing

We took the day off the other day, jumped in the sports car, and drove to a friend's Winery (Brandy Creek Winery and Restaurant) for a long, languorous and delightful afternoon of delicious food, great wine and wonderful philosophical conversation and company.

Looking out over the absolutely stunning view, and with a glass of heavenly red in my hand, I asked my friend Rick Stockdale, one of the co-owners of the estate, what he thought was the most life enhancing thing a person could do. His response, and one that runs as a thread throughout the many blog entries I've shared with you, is that creating 'Quality Time' in your life is one of the most important skills and activities that you can do to enhance your life.

As Rick points out, too often people focus on achievement and on rushing from one goal to the next -- and in doing so, they don't remember to sit back and savour and enjoy the journey. Isn't it the case that we sometimes put too much value on quantity at the cost of quality? And too much focus on doing versus simply 'being' -- making quality time to enjoy the simple pleasures of being alive on this wonderful planet?

Transcendental change versus Generative Change

The challenge is that modern society has grabbed onto the Generative Model of Change. This is the model that says that no matter how good life is, we can always make it better. It's about more passion, fun and achievement NOW!!! This is a model that fields like NLP have been promulgating and installing for over 30 years and it has crept insidiously into many areas of management, training, education and marketing.

It's very seductive and it does support success. However... if you follow it slavishly, you'll end up on the treadmill of a 'more the more pattern'... the more you follow the model, the more success you enjoy and achieve, the more reinforced you are to continue making bigger and bigger dreams, goals and outcomes and the more you focus on achieving more. And along the way, if you aren't careful... you get lost in the constant drive for more.

In Positive Psychology this is described as the 'hedonic treadmill' and is an enemy to human happiness. So whilst the achievement of goals and outcomes makes you feel good fleetingly, the constant pressure and drive for success, stresses you unconsciously and wears you down, ultimately eroding your true happiness.

The Generative Model can be contrasted with what I call the 'Transcendental Model of Change'. In this model, we focus on meaning and purpose; on why you think and feel you are on this planet, with this particular life, and are here to experience and learn. It's about transcending the constant need for '$uccess' and 'Achievement'. Indeed, it's more about the 'how' and the 'quality of being' in which you are doing whatever achieving and success'ing that you are doing in your life.

Focus on Qualities

With transcendental change -- with a focus on being versus doing -- it's OK to have times where you don't actually need to do any changing. If the 'how' of your life is aligned with your purpose and with the deeper meaning of life, then you can happily stay exactly where you are. Of course in the massively changing world we live in, it's impossible to stay 'exactly' the same. However, at the level of process, of 'how', of qualities and process values, you can 'change to stay the same'. In other words, you can stop constantly striving for more and more, and make quality time in your life'ing to just be connected, centered, happy and flowing.

Naturally there are many skills and competencies involved in what I've just said. And over the coming weeks and months I'll be blogging on these and sharing them subtly and overtly with you in this blog. So keep reading, and you should find your mind and attention seeing the world in new and life enhancing ways.

And along the way, as of today, begin to notice more and more the opportunities for making 'Quality Time' an important process value in your life. Create the time and space to think about and focus on what sort of Qualities you want in your life each and every day and then put them gently and surely into practice. Take time out from the hectic race for more and more, get off the hedonic treadmill, and just enjoy 'being'. Learn and make time to meditate. Make time to pamper your self. Get out for a walk in the forest. Connect with nature. Enjoy quality time and conversing with people you love and care about. Connect with your self.

At the end of your life, looking back, it won't be how many material items you accrued, or how big your house was, or how many cars you owned, that makes your life worthwhile. It will be the quality of your relationships, the quality of your experiences and the quality of the person you are that really counts.

Bliss Pointing

Life enhancing is about quality and quantity. Not one at the expense of the other. There's a bliss point and a balance. So take time to reflect and examine how you are lifeing. And what better way to do that, than over some wonderful philosophical conversation and a delightful meal for the senses such as can be found at Brandy Creek.


wishing you life enhancing being and doing
Grant


and here's some interesting and thought provoking reading that you might choose to add some value to your life:

A Life of Being, Having, and Doing Enough

"More people than ever are tyrannized by modern life and the incessant compulsion to do, go, and achieve. Is the price we pay for these goals worth it? In this luminous book, nationally renowned author and therapist Wayne Muller shows us how to pay attention, notice, and appreciate what really matters. Quite frankly, this book can preserve your sanity and save your life."

From Being to Doing. The Origins of the Biology of Cognition

"At the beginning of the last century, physicists revolutionised the scientific view of the world. Today biologists are radically transforming our understanding of the processes of life and cognition. Probing the mysteries of the mind, they have been able to prove that, in the act of knowing, the observer and the observed, subject and object, are inextricably enmeshed. The world we live in is not independent from us; we literally bring it forth ourselves. One of the protagonists of this new kind of thinking is the internationally renowned neurobiologist and systems theorist Humberto R. Maturana who was interviewed for several weeks by Bernhard Poerksen, journalist, and communication scientist. In this book, they explore the limits of our cognitive powers, discuss the truth in perception, the biology of love, and give, all in all, an introduction to systemic thinking that is down to earth, imaginative, and rich in anecdote."

Walden - Henry David Thoreau

"A truly classic treatise on being and doing. First published in 1854, Henry David Thoreau's groundbreaking book has influenced generations of readers and continues to inspire and inform anyone with an open mind. Thoreau lived at Walden Pond from July 1845 to September 1847, chronicling his experiences there. It was an experiment in living a life unhindered by social trappings and tradition, defining what it truly means to be human."

Positive Words are life enhancing - Use the Positive Word Tool

"The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the thoughts you think and the words you use.

The more positive thoughts you have the more positive the outcomes in your life.

Positive things happen to positive people."

Michael Fisher, The Positive Word Dictionary

In a previous blog entry on 'Positive Emotion Words' I talked about the importance and effects of words on emotions and how we have more negative words in our vocabulary than positive words. I also shared the idea of 'Positive Emotion Theme Days' and how in one of the Organisations I do consulting with, we have been enjoying the transformational effect of these.

Each day, the team uses a tool I created, to randomly select a positive emotion word, the word is printed out in colour, placed in a prominent position and also emailed out to all the members of the team, including a growing list of recipients from other areas in the Organisation and even to vendors the team interacts with. As I indicated in my previous blog entry:

"The team does their best to enact and live the selected emotion during the work day. It really makes for a much better work environment, is great for team bonding and just plain fun. I’m sure the improved mood and state of the team also carries over into better outcomes and experiences for our clients."

We've now been using this process for nearly 12 months and some of the comments and feedback from the team about their positive experience include:

• "It's something I look forward to each day. And it takes the 'grumph' out of the difficult days. It puts our team into a positive frame of mind, and even our extended family of vendors and staff in other divisions now anticipate its arrival."

• "The positive word makes you think of positive things when it arrives, you are ‘taken away’ from the drudgery of day to day work…..it enhances your thoughts."

• "I personally think it has changed the dynamics of our team at work. Previously it was like walking into a very sad and stale place. Now its enjoyable, fun and colourful."

• "It's very uplifting. It makes me feel good!"

Words have a bio-chemical effect on the body

As I've articulated in many of these blog entries... our words and thoughts have an effect on how we feel about ourselves and others -- Each word you use has the power to change your mood and thereby influence those around you. Positive words engender and inspire positive emotions (positive emoting). And influence your heart, mind and those around you.

And as you can see, playing with Positive Word Days is fun and life enhancing! So I encourage you to take it up in your own workplace or team and use it to make a life enhancing difference to your day.

Download the Positive Word Tool for free

In order to support you to do this, I've created an Excel workbook tool that you can download for free here:

>> Download the Positive Word Tool

Just click the link and then click the 'Download' button to save the tool to your own computer. Run it and click the button. It uses excel macro code to randomly select a word from the list on the 'Word List' tab. You can add extra words to the tab.


Let me know how you find using the tool and what effects it has in your life or with your own organisational culture enhancing.

positive best wishes

Grant

Loving Your Life...

In our society we often talk about ‘Love’ as if it is a ‘thing’… treating it like a noun, an object. We talk about ‘having’ love, or not ‘getting’ enough love, or being ‘in’ love, as if love were a container, room or pool in which we are immersed in love. It's not!

The reality is that love is a verb, it’s a process... loving is something that you do.

Being aware of this is really important. It allows you to realise that loving is a skill, it’s a process that you can learn to do better. It’s also a process that requires focus and attention... and if you don’t give loving any focus, then you won’t do as much or as well as you'd like. And this is vitally important for loving your self, loving others and for loving and enhancing your life.

One of the outcomes for this blog is that it's a guide and tool for helping you focus on aspects of enhancing and loving your self and your life more. It helps you open your heart to parts of your life that you can support, enhance and love more fully. It’s like a spotlight that you can use to enlighten parts of your self. At the same time it teaches you how your mind and body works by explaining these aspects in terms of recent advances in the fields of Positive Psychology and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

So I hope you've been enjoying the blog and getting continued value out of reading it. I also hope it challenges you and gets you to think in new ways. At the very least, I hope it reminds you of important ideas and distinctions you can use every day to enhance your life and the lives of those you love.

Denominalising Love

In NLP terms, 'love' is a nominalisation - a verb that has been disguised as a noun. To think and live sanely, it is very very useful to denominalise such sneaky nouns back to their active verb (doing word) form. The reason why this is important is that words and concepts are the tools you use to generate meaning and create and communicate your reality. And when you use nouns versus verbs, you use a very different part of your brain and create a very different reality. 

I'll be blogging on a fascinating story about what happens when you lose the part of your brain that does 'noun-ing' versus 'verb-ing' and show you some brain scans of how the different word forms use very different components of the brain. The key insight however is that whenever you use a noun - a word for an 'object' or 'thing' - you trigger the parts of the brain that are responsible for objects and their properties. Whereas, when you reconnect your language back to the verb (action) form, you trigger the parts of your brain responsible for processes.

Objects are things that you can easily own and take for granted. They stay relatively constant. Processes on the other hand, have outcomes and personal agency associated with them. Love as a noun, is a fixed and static thing.

Loving as a verb, is a skill and a process that requires attention and focus. The actual parts of your brain associated with how you think about this are crucially different.

Focus on Loving

So Remember, you don't 'have' love, you do loving, and it's important you put your focus onto the process and skills of loving.

Think right now of the 3 most important people in your life and decide how you can do more exquisite and powerful loving with them. What can you do to show them they are important and tell them how you feel about them? What are some actions you can take with or for them that will be life enhancingly loving for them?

When you first met them, how did you feel, act and communicate with them? What can you do now that you did back then, that is so very loving? How can you support them? How can you delight them?

Do Loving!

It's true that 'loving is, as loving does' so put more life enhancing loving into your life right now!


hugs and lovings
Grant

And if you'd like to learn more about how to love your life more wondrously, check out my new book:

Or you may find the following books interesting and useful for learning strategies about how to do more and better loving in your life:


The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, Dr. Gary Chapman identified five key love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some partners crave focused attention; others need regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one person, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their criteria for loving. Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

Falling in love with your life

A personal guide to fall in love with the person who is going to be with you throughout your life: Yourself! A wonderful, inspiring and energizing book applying NLP to loving your self and your life.

NLP and Relationships

In this first NLP book to focus on love relationships, expert trainers O'Connor and Prior show how to find and nurture any relationship.